RFK Jr.’s Shocking Cancer Claim: Can Consuming “Good Cancer” Destroy the Bad?

Would you eat a little “good cancer” if it could chase out the “bad cancer” hiding in your system? I never thought I’d have to fathom such a culinary dilemma—yet here we are, watching Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. reach for a Microplane and grate freshly foraged tumors, all in the name of clean, green, organic wellness . Is it just me, or has the smoothie craze officially spiraled out of control? In the world’s strangest showdown between medical waste and alternative health trends, why settle for kale chips when you can snack on something that’s (no really, he says this) battling rogue cells from the inside out? Listen, I’ve seen a lot of things in the SEO underworld, but “raw tumor smoothie” is about as clickbait as it gets—and yes, I’m both horrified and morbidly intrigued . Before you even contemplate adding “cancer grater” to your Amazon cart, grab your favorite seat and dive into this wild reporting on Kennedy’s utterly bizarre, “cancel your cancer with cancer” crusade . LEARN MORE

WASHINGTON—Suggesting an unorthodox alternative to standard oncological treatments, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. issued recommendations Friday that encourage Americans to eat what he described as good cancer to kill the bad cancer already in their bodies. “They cancel each other out,” Kennedy told reporters as he demonstrated how he uses a Microplane to grate tumors he forages from medical waste bins, incorporating their positive carcinogenic effects into his meals. “Instead of flooding your system with nasty chemicals that big pharmaceutical companies manufacture in foreign labs, you can incorporate organic good cancer into your system to naturally crowd out and eliminate the harmful bad cancer cells. We’ve known about this for generations, but lobbyist groups like the American Cancer Society have misled people about the proven health benefits of good cancer in order to line their pockets. It’s all about balance: Too much good cancer will act like a bad cancer, but not enough good cancer in your diet will cause the bad cancer to run amok.” As he blended a raw tumor into a Nutribullet smoothie, Kennedy argued that it was best to consume the good cancer raw to avoid cooking off its healthy cancer properties.