After Near-Fatal Overdose, Local User Reveals Surprising Strategy for Safer Heroin Use

How many of your “near-misses” have actually, you know—missed? There I was, hunched over my keyboard, doomscrolling as usual, when I stumbled onto a headline that made me spit my tea—”Heroin Overdose Serves as Wake-Up Call To Just Be Smarter About Doing Heroin.” It’s like life gave Leo York a no-expiration coupon for one free do-over… and somehow, his big takeaway wasn’t “drop the needle,” but “buy a digital scale.” I’m floored . Not by the overdose—tragic, yes—but by the pure, undiluted optimism it takes to look death in the eye and think, “You know what, I just need a better dealer.” Honestly, if adulting is learning from your mistakes, Leo is basically valedictorian. Ever wondered how close you can teeter on the existential edge before you just start making spreadsheets for your vices? Yeah, me neither—until now . LEARN MORE

CINCINNATI—Claiming that the horrifying near-death experience really put things into perspective, area man Leo York announced Tuesday that a recent heroin overdose served as a wake-up call to keep on doing heroin but just be smarter about it. “That’s it. Tomorrow I’m buying a digital scale, and from now on I’m only using on weekends or after work if it was a super hard day,” said York, explaining that the close call had provided him with the clarity to realize he needed to do the hard work of finding a more trustworthy dealer instead of shooting up whatever sketchy back-alley stuff he could score. “Waking up in that hospital bed really opened my eyes to the fact that I need to get my shit together and actually measure out how much heroin I’m putting on that spoon. Plus, I’m done sharing needles, unless I know for sure the guy who used it before me was clean. I mean, I’m an adult. I can’t be doing smack the way I did in college. I’ll even start pounding speed so I’m alert enough to get myself to the ER. Trust me, next time I OD it’ll be with people I trust instead of alone in a Marshalls fitting room.” At press time, sources said York’s plan was totally working, and he was now a fully functional member of society.