Is It Love Or Just A Merger? CEO Suspects Romance Is Fueled By His Corporate Prowess

Ever find yourself lying awake, wondering if your soulmate is only wooing you for that sweet, sweet knowledge of quarterly profit margins? No? Well, for Fortune 500 CEO William Freitag, that’s apparently the price you pay for climbing the capitalist ladder—besides, you know, the usual existential dread. Sometimes, it really feels like love in modern America comes with the same scrutiny as a boardroom merger—Did your partner fall for your irresistible charisma, or was it your ability to maximize operating revenues for three straight fiscal quarters? Life’s riddles just keep getting weirder the higher up the ladder you go . Picture it: wine glasses clinking in a dimly lit restaurant, while across the table, somebody’s just dying to ask about your favorite networking hacks. And let’s be honest: who among us hasn’t questioned if we’re being admired for our keen business acumen…or was it the fact we can name every Gracie Abrams song in order? If this made you chuckle—or cringe—you’ll want to see the full story unfold. LEARN MORE

PHOENIX—In an intense bout of insecurity and wariness toward his partner’s superficial focus, Fortune 500 CEO William Freitag, 57, reportedly expressed concerns Thursday that the 23-year-old woman he was currently dating was only into him for his keen business acumen. “I’m trying not to let it get to me, but deep down I can’t help feeling she’s just like all the rest and only with me because she wants networking tips and access to my strong client base—a tale as old as time, really,” said the multimillionaire head of Summit Network Systems, expressing bitterness after dinner with the young office assistant, who he speculated was only seeing him as an excuse to pick his brain for financial advice and team leadership expertise. “Look, I’m not a sucker. I’m well aware she wouldn’t agree to be seen in public with me if I didn’t have my talent for negotiation and the respect of my clients. Women like that only have one thing on their minds: finding a guy who has increased operating revenues year over year for each of the past three fiscal quarters.” At press time, Freitag admitted he was only dating the woman for her comprehensive knowledge of Gracie Abrams’ discography.