Andrew Cuomo Breaks Silence: Shocking Revelations Unveiled in Rare Candid Interview

Is it possible for an ex-governor to lose the Democratic primary, barrel straight into the mayoral race as an “independent,” and still sound like he wandered off from a particularly unhinged SNL sketch? Apparently, when your name’s Andrew Cuomo, absolutely—why not toss shame to the wind and try again . Listening to Cuomo, I can’t decide if he’s running for office, riffing on some bizarre podcast, or just auditioning for a remake of House of Cards… but with more handsy moments and fewer self-aware glances at the audience . Is political rock bottom just a suggestion in New York, or a challenge to sink even lower? Buckle up, because The Onion’s recent sit-down with the man himself veers from clueless to nihilistic with the kind of stone-faced absurdity that makes you wonder if this city deserves anything less . Want a campaign platform built entirely on awkward silences and the haunted glint in a candidate’s eye? You’re in the right place . LEARN MORE

Despite losing the Democratic primary in June, Andrew Cuomo will be on the ballot this November as an independent candidate for New York City mayor. The Onion sat down with the former governor to discuss his campaign.

The Onion : How do you feel your campaign has been going so far?

Cuomo: I haven’t really been following it.

The Onion : What is your biggest political weakness?

Cuomo: Name recognition.

The Onion : You’ve allegedly been coordinating with President Trump. How did the two of you come into contact?

Cuomo: Our hands met while rubbing the same female staffer’s lower back.

The Onion : As mayor, what would be the most important areas to focus on first?

Cuomo: Her hips, and then her thighs.

The Onion : What is your vision for the future of New York?

Cuomo: My personal necropolis. A charnel city of the damned. The bloodstained throne from which I shall tame death herself.

The Onion : What advice would you give young people interested in politics?

Cuomo: Always be empathetic, resilient, and the child of a governor.