What Did Trump’s Sons Find on the Street That Has Their Father So Upset?

Ever had one of those days where your kids bring home stray animals and beg you to let them keep it—except imagine their “find” is an actual human being? It’s the kind of fever dream only American politics, or maybe a particularly weird episode of “Succession,” could deliver. The image of the Trump boys, faces pressed up with anticipation, proudly clutching an extremely confused, scraggly-bearded man like he’s a goldendoodle from the pound… Well, it’s as endearing as it is deeply unsettling. Are we all just one awkward family photo away from adopting random strangers as pets? Sigh. If you ever wondered what happens when privilege, naiveté, and a shocking lack of adult supervision collide on the White House lawn, buckle up—this story is the ultimate blend of dark comedy and “oh-no-they-didn’t.” LEARN MORE

WASHINGTON—Running into several White House staff members as they tried to sneak their new friend inside, the Trump boys reportedly begged their father Tuesday to let them keep a homeless man they had found as a pet. “Please, Daddy, please can we keep our fuzzy buddy?” said Eric Trump, his visibly hopeful eyes widening as he and Donald Trump Jr. stroked the scraggly beard of a 75-year-old man they had found roaming the streets of D.C. alone. “We’ll take real good care of him, we promise. He’s really smart and already knows how to sit, shake, and where to do his business, so we think he may have lived with a different family before. And he comes when you call his name, see? Mark! Come here, Mark! Plus, he gives the best kisses. Come on, Daddy, how could anyone say no to this cute little furry face?” According to sources, the Trump boys later buried the homeless man on the South Lawn after forgetting to feed him.