The Surprising Secrets Apple Orchards Don’t Want You to Know

Did you ever have one of those days where you stroll into an apple orchard, full of hope, dreams, and maybe an ill-fitting pair of yoga pants, certain you’ll handpick the perfect haul—and then, three hours and $60 later, you’re staggering back to your car with apples you’ll never eat, a sore back, and existential regret? Oh, honey, I’ve been there . Apple picking, they say, is wholesome autumn fun, but nobody warns you about the cutthroat world of caramel-dipped fruit mafias or the silent judgment of trees. Before you find yourself elbow-deep in sticky plastic-wrapped Granny Smiths or luring Pink Ladies with artisanal bait, it pays to be prepared—or at least to have a strategy slightly better than mine. So—are you ready to unravel the secrets (and occasional hazards) of the fall’s most overrated sport? Buckle up, darling. The apples won’t pick themselves. LEARN MORE

Apple picking is a fun and festive way for the whole family to enjoy the scenic autumn season. Here are The Onion’s tips for picking apples.

Vastly overestimate how many apples you eat.

Visit the orchard in January to avoid the crowds.

Leave the kids at home—they’re only going to slow you down.

Prioritize the apples that are packaged in plastic with caramel on them.

Approach the apple from the side to avoid spooking it.

Remember: different apple varieties prefer different kinds of bait.

Don’t pick up apples that have fallen on the ground, as it will cause their mothers to reject them.

Show initiative if you want to be hired full time.

Periodically look down at the object in your hand. If it is an orange, you’ve gone wrong somewhere.