Trump Deflects Questions With Shocking Confession About Birthday Cards Sent to Convicted Child Molesters

Ever forget someone’s birthday? Yeah, I have too—but I highly doubt you’ve ever misplaced quite as many scandal-packed birthday cards as Donald Trump claims to have, am I right? There’s a certain magic in the way he shrugs off his correspondence with, of all people, child molesters—as if jotting a quick “thanks for the orgy, love ya!” on pastel stationery is just another Monday. My first reaction: should I be concerned… or just impressed by the sheer audacity? Seriously, how do you even keep all those names straight when you can’t be bothered to craft something unique for each—uh, “special”—celebration? The story gets more absurd (and disturbingly hilarious) with each line, and it’s all delivered with that jaw-dropping Trumpian confidence we’ve come to expect . If you’re wondering just how deep the rabbit hole goes on keeping up with creeps, hang on tight—this one’s a wild ride. LEARN MORE

WASHINGTON—Stressing that it was unrealistic to think he would recollect one such letter out of the vast number he has written in his lifetime, President Donald Trump told reporters Tuesday that he shouldn’t be expected to remember every single birthday card he has sent to child molesters. “Every month I’m probably sending off a dozen or so of these cards thanking pedophiles for a good time at their birthday parties or for the flight on their private jet—it’s ridiculous to think I’m going to recall each tiny thing I write,” said Trump, insisting that given the hundreds of such dispatches he has penned over the years, the child molesters’ names and the details of their orgies often blur together in his mind. “It’s really just a formality. I want to express a little gratitude for a nice party favor or for letting me spend time with their private harem. Most of the time I’m just repeating the same message, too. Hard to come up with something unique to say about every girl.” Trump revealed that as a time-saving measure, he would often dash off a large stack of such letters to child molesters in advance and fill in the specific details of the underage sex parties later.