Why This Family Treats Sunburn Like a Deep, Unforgivable Shame

Is there something inherently wicked about lobstering yourself on a beach holiday, or have we all just been brainwashed into thinking SPF is a marker of moral superiority? As I glanced again at that photo—yep, the one with the Hoekstras sitting in shady self-satisfaction among the sunburnt herds—I couldn’t help but snicker. Who would’ve guessed that a splash of crimson on your shoulders could spark such palpable indignation? Whether you’ve slathered yourself in sunscreen since 1994 or just relish that crispy feeling, the Hoekstra clan’s withering stares could probably peel your skin faster than any UV rays. So—do you side with the sun-safe saints or the red-shouldered rebels? I’ll be over here, shading my eyes and making notes for future blog posts . LEARN MORE

DESTIN, FL—In an expression of disgust and contempt for the scarlet, peeling crowd of beachgoers streaming past them, the vacationing Hoekstra family reportedly affirmed their viewpoint Monday that getting sunburned was a moral failing. “Some people just have no forethought, no discipline,” said Ellen Hoekstra, the family’s 48-year-old matriarch, who watched from her seat on a shaded lounge chair and frowned at the red-shouldered masses, shaking her head reproachfully at one particularly burned young couple. “I mean, look at that big splotch on her chest. What were they thinking? Or not thinking, more like it. I’m just so glad I’m raising you kids right. It’s like Sodom and Gomorrah out there.” At press time, the entire family was said to have gasped in horror as the strap on 51-year-old Jeffrey Hoekstra’s Apple Watch slipped, revealing a sliver of bright red skin.