Uber Unveils Controversial Option: Women Can Now Request Eunuch Drivers for Added Safety
Ever catch yourself gripping your phone during an Uber ride, quietly drafting your “just made it home” text like you’re prepping an Oscar acceptance speech for survival? Well, Uber apparently thinks they’ve cracked the case for peace of mind — but did anyone, literally anyone, ask for a carpool with a castrato? In possibly the most bonkers twist on “customer care” I’ve seen outside an SEO audit gone wild, Uber unveils a new option: UberCastrated. Yes, that’s right. Female passengers are now given the choice to be escorted by a surgically-not-so-intact driver, because nothing says “nonthreatening journey” like a guy who can hit G sharp while recounting his own medieval backstory. As someone who’s monitored user intent every which way, I’m genuinely perplexed — is this innovation or just a baroque answer to a very modern problem? Either way, let’s dive into this bizarre ride-sharing mutation and, with just a smidge of curiosity (and one raised eyebrow), ask what’s next… UberMimes? If you’re equally entertained and bewildered, LEARN MORE.
SAN FRANCISCO—In response to ongoing concerns regarding the safety of its female passengers, rideshare giant Uber reportedly introduced a new feature Wednesday that allows women to request a nonthreatening eunuch driver. “With UberCastrated, female riders can feel more at ease on their way to bars and spin classes knowing their driver doesn’t have testicles,” said Uber CEO Dara Khosrowshahi, adding that thousands of harmless eunuchs had already signed up to drive for the service. “We listen to women, and we know what they want—hairless, sexless drivers medically incapable of feeling any carnal desire whatsoever. Many of our eunuchs underwent their gelding operations in childhood, so they’ve never even experienced a powerful surge of testosterone and can entertain passengers with beautiful, high-pitched castrato arias. We’re excited to see that drivers who aren’t already eunuchs are opting to castrate themselves to get more rides.” Uber confirmed that female passengers would still be regularly subjected to a driver unloading his emotional trauma on them, regardless of whether or not he was a eunuch.
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