Secrets, Schemes, and Surprises: What Kash Patel Revealed in His Candid Sit-Down With The Onion
There are days when I wonder: is the FBI America’s top law enforcement agency, or the nation’s most accomplished improv troupe? I mean, you try keeping a straight face when a guy like Kash Patel—grinning in congressional crosshairs, “handling” the Epstein files with all the grace of a sleep-deprived raccoon—swears he’s got a plan. Stressful? Sure. Hilarious? Oh, honey, it’s pure self-parody! After a five-hour congressional inquisition that would make even my dermatologist break into a sweat, Patel graciously—if that’s the word—sat down with The Onion for an interview that answers absolutely none of your burning questions and yet somehow raises fifty more. Ready for top-shelf political theater with a twist of existential dread? I give you the only FBI Director who can dodge, deflect, and detonate any inquiry… all before his morning coffee. How’s that for job performance? LEARN MORE.
As questions mount over his handling of the Epstein files and other high-profile investigations, FBI Director Kash Patel testified before Congress Wednesday in a contentious five-hour hearing with the House Judiciary Committee. The Onion sat down with the former Trump aide to discuss his plans for the nation’s top law enforcement agency.
The Onion: Are you ready for the interview to start?
Patel: I was really hoping you wouldn’t ask that one.
The Onion: What made you want to work in law enforcement?
Patel: Ever since I was a little boy, I knew I wanted to bungle a murder investigation.
The Onion: How do you approach solving crimes?
Patel: I find the most dedicated, nonpartisan professionals I can, and then I fire them.
The Onion: Why has the FBI not released the Epstein documents it has in its possession?
Patel: I’m not privy to that information. I would direct those questions to FBI Director Kash Patel.
The Onion: Are you concerned about the rise of political violence in the U.S.?
Patel: Yes, it isn’t advancing rapidly enough to justify what we have planned.
The Onion: How many times does Donald Trump’s name appear in the Epstein files?
Patel: I’ll let you know when we’re finished rewriting them.
The Onion: Why did you post on X that the suspect in the Charlie Kirk shooting was caught before he was in custody?
Patel: It’d been a while since I went viral.
The Onion: What do you have to say to those questioning your competence as FBI director?
Patel: I don’t come to your job and tell you how to mishandle your Epstein files.
The Onion: Are you worried about the growing number of senators who don’t believe in your leadership?
Patel: I’d be worried if Congress could actually do anything about it.
RIVER OF GOODS Stained Glass Bird Accent Lamp - 8" W x 13.5" H - Tiffany Style Table Lamps for Home, Office Desk, Bedroom, Nightstand - Blue Jay Decor
$83.95 (as of September 23, 2025 00:58 GMT +00:00 - More infoProduct prices and availability are accurate as of the date/time indicated and are subject to change. Any price and availability information displayed on [relevant Amazon Site(s), as applicable] at the time of purchase will apply to the purchase of this product.)
Supa Ant Silicone Fire Cloak for Fireproof Suit Emergency Blanket for Home and Kitchen - Emergency Poncho as Heat Shield Blanket - Fire Resistant Hoodie - Escape Suit with Cape and Hood (47x39 in.- S)
$73.99 (as of September 23, 2025 00:58 GMT +00:00 - More infoProduct prices and availability are accurate as of the date/time indicated and are subject to change. Any price and availability information displayed on [relevant Amazon Site(s), as applicable] at the time of purchase will apply to the purchase of this product.)
The Door Balancer Eliminates The Need for Door Props, Door Stops and Door Wedges
$7.99 (as of September 23, 2025 00:58 GMT +00:00 - More infoProduct prices and availability are accurate as of the date/time indicated and are subject to change. Any price and availability information displayed on [relevant Amazon Site(s), as applicable] at the time of purchase will apply to the purchase of this product.)
RIVER OF GOODS LED Boho Ceiling Fan with Hand Woven Brown/Natural Rope - Macrame Knot Work and Hemp Rope Style Eclectic Cottage Decor - 52" L x 52" W - Rich Barnwood/Light Driftwood Fan Blades
$208.00 (as of September 23, 2025 00:58 GMT +00:00 - More infoProduct prices and availability are accurate as of the date/time indicated and are subject to change. Any price and availability information displayed on [relevant Amazon Site(s), as applicable] at the time of purchase will apply to the purchase of this product.)
Post Comment