Mystery Man at Bar Rivets Patrons With Obsessive Focus on Bizarre Mallet Sport Stream
Isn’t it amazing how, in a country where you can flick through 900 channels and still settle on reruns of “Pawn Stars,” a man from the dark heart of Central Europe has no choice but to catch some baffling, medieval sport on his phone—right there in a suburban Ohio bar? Picture this: you’re clutching your beer, minding your own business, and at the end of the counter sits a guy totally locked in, headphones be damned, yelling “Hold! Hold!” at little pixelated men on horses swinging mallets in some fever-dream of a stadium . And let me tell you, nothing wakes you up on a sleepy Friday like hearing someone try to explain a scoring system that features both the number 18 and the letter ‘V’. I have to ask—has anyone ever really watched polo-cross-football-dragons-who-knows-what in public before, or is this just what happens when ESPN 8 finally goes international? If you thought you understood sports, this visual might just make you question reality . LEARN MORE
BRECKSVILLE, OH—Speculating that the unnamed individual was unable to find the broadcast on even the most extensive of satellite TV packages, patrons at the Thirsty Goose Tavern confirmed Friday there was currently a Central European guy sitting at the other end of the bar watching some weird sport with mallets on his phone. “He’s been watching it at full volume on his Samsung Galaxy S8 for, like, an hour now, just totally dialed into whatever sport it is,” said bar-goer Justin Knowles, noting that the obscure sport appeared to involve trying to whack a small, leather ball into a series of steel receptacles while a referee-type guy in a neon shirt and plastic helmet patrolled the oval-shaped indoor field atop a horse. “I guess he’s a fan of the team with dragons on their jerseys, but he also might be rooting for the guys whose jerseys have kerosene lamps on them—I honestly can’t tell. Whenever I walk past, the score has gone up in increments of four or 18, but also sometimes there’s a ‘V’ in there. He keeps shouting ‘Hold! Hold!’ if that helps? Seems like it must be a very popular sport in Croatia or Hungary or whatever the country is, because the stadium is packed with, like, 100,000 fans.” When reached for further comment, Knowles said his best guess was that the man was watching soccer.
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