Mystery Man’s Shocked Reaction to Crucifix on Dating Profile Hints at Sinister Secret
Swipe left on garlic, right on eternal love, but what about gold jewelry with supernatural side effects? Every now and then, my late-night doomscrolling gifts me a headline that’s tastier than a plate of garlic knots at an Italian wedding—and friends, this one practically leapt from the shadows! Have you ever imagined the unique horror of being a vampire in the era of dating apps, where a single swipe could threaten not just your ego, but your immortal soul? I mean, I’ve had awkward dates, but “melting into a puddle of ash because she loves sunsets and Jesus” really sets the bar. It must be tough out there for real-life Draculas, dodging wooden stakes, bad bios, and—apparently—fashionable crucifix necklaces. If nosy relatives at holidays don’t get you, the algorithm will! Sink your teeth into this fanged fiasco and ask yourself: could your next swipe be your last? LEARN MORE.
NEW YORK—Hissing with distaste as the dreaded Christian symbol suddenly appeared on his phone screen, Scott Tatum—a real-life Dracula—reportedly recoiled Friday after seeing a Tinder profile picture of a woman wearing a crucifix. “My eyes, my eyes,” said the screaming, writhing 32-year-old, who, as if he were Nosferatu himself, attempted to swipe away from the photo as quickly as possible before the image of Carly, a petite blond woman sporting a necklace with a thin gold cross, could blind his vision, melt his flesh, and cause his physical form to burst into flame. “Oh, though the pendant may be small, subtle, and trendy, it burns, it burns! Be gone, Carly, and your love of ‘sunsets, football, and Jesus.’ Begone!” At press time, the female user had permanently blocked Tatum’s account as if she were Van Helsing driving a stake into the notorious vampire’s heart and watching him dissolve into ash.
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