Home Depot Unveils Mysterious 12-Foot Willem Dafoe—Shoppers Can’t Believe Their Eyes

You know, just when you think you’ve seen every possible Halloween lawn ornament, Home Depot comes along and asks life’s most burning question: what if Willem Dafoe was twelve feet tall and lurked in your shrubbery? Well, brace yourself—because apparently, that’s the must-have yard monster for spooky season this year . Honestly, the idea kind of thrills me while simultaneously making me want to leave my porch light off forever. There’s something delightfully unhinged about commemorating Dafoe’s iconic creep factor with a towering plastic effigy, complete with glaring LEDs and that unforgettable toothy grin . Can you imagine the trick-or-treaters’ faces? Is it possible to capture the raw, existential dread of Dafoe in Antichrist or is it simply too much for suburban children clutching pillowcases full of Snickers? Either way, I’m equal parts horrified and tempted to buy three. Want to see just how weird Halloween decor has gotten this year? LEARN MORE.

ATLANTA—Saying the novelty decoration would add the perfect touch to Halloween yard displays, the Home Depot announced Friday it had begun selling a new 12-foot-tall Willem Dafoe in stores nationwide. “October just got a whole lot spookier with our exclusive oversized Willem Dafoe ornament!” read the product’s promotional copy, which emphasized that the massive, high-density polyethylene recreation of the Platoon and Antichrist star would be towering over trick-or-treaters after just a few minutes of assembly. “Great for haunted houses, front yards, or anywhere else you want to terrify people with the BAFTA and Golden Globe award winner’s unsettling grimace and misty blue eyes. Plus, built-in LEDs ensure the whole neighborhood can see that distinctive tooth gap!” At press time, the Home Depot had reportedly removed the decorative Dafoe from shelves after numerous parents complained the actor’s face had given their children nightmares.