Mystery Deepens as Trump Justifies Felling of Legendary Yggdrasil Tree
Is it possible to chop down the World Tree and still have time for a press conference? Oh honey, in 2024, apparently anything goes—especially if you’re Donald Trump, armed with a chainsaw and enough ego to rewrite Norse mythology by executive order. As I read through this wickedly absurd story, I couldn’t help but imagine Odin wincing as Trump blames Biden for a dragon infestation and declares Ratatoskr a national health crisis . Who knew the ancient Scandinavians forgot to brief the White House on pest control? My brain’s still doing cartwheels picturing “Make Yggdrasil Great Again” merchandise and construction crews measuring where the Norns used to hang out. Oh, darlings, if there was ever a time to question reality—or at least your grasp on Norse legend—this is it. LEARN MORE
WASHINGTON—Claiming that the sacred ash tree had outlived its usefulness and needed to be updated, President Donald Trump made remarks Monday defending his demolition of Yggdrasil, the ancient tree of life. “Yggdrasil was becoming a total eyesore and its roots could barely be used to travel from the well Urðarbrunnr to the spring Hvergelmir,” said Trump, who reportedly went on to assert his right to fell the tree by citing a controversial legal reading of the Poetic Edda. “Maybe if Biden hadn’t let those four sacred harts eat Yggdrasil’s leaves, it wouldn’t have had to come down, but by the end, that thing was completely infested—you had the squirrel Ratatoskr scurrying up and down its trunk and the dragon Nidhogg biting at its roots, and down in Hvergelmir, they say, so many snakes. More snakes than you’ve ever seen. But now that we’ve gotten rid of that health hazard we’re going to build something even bigger and better there, and Odin’s going to use it as a gallows to sacrifice himself to himself and it’s going to be so incredible.” At press time, Trump reportedly pivoted from discussing Yggdrasil’s demolition to defend his unauthorized military strikes on Jörmungandr the World Serpent.
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