Bush’s Desperate Plea to Cheney’s Suit-Wearing Skeleton Sparks White House Mystery
Ever had one of those days when your biggest existential crisis involves screaming at a skeleton in your attic—and that skeleton just happens to be Dick Cheney in a suit? Yeah, me neither. But if you’re George W. Bush, apparently that’s all in a normal afternoon’s work . This article dives deep—like “face first into a pile of unresolved parent issues” deep—into the bizarro universe where presidential guilt and artistic insecurity meet in a rocking chair by the attic window . Can our former Commander-in-Chief ever finally lay his inner demons (and possibly a cackling, suit-clad skeleton) to rest? Or are we all just one awkward family reunion away from shouting at our own “Mother, Cheney”? Honestly, I can’t decide if I want to laugh, cry, or send therapy coupons . If you think your family is weird, just wait till you see what’s happening in Crawford . LEARN MORE
CRAWFORD, TX—Lashing out at the overbearing former vice president seated motionless in a rocking chair by the attic window, a distraught George W. Bush shouted, “Shut up, Mother! Shut up!” at the skeleton of Dick Cheney dressed in a suit, sources confirmed Friday. “I’m not your little boy anymore, Mother, so why must you constantly criticize me?” said the trembling 43rd president of the United States, accusing Cheney’s remains of cruelly mocking his paintings as “girlish” and “unbecoming of a boy his age.” “Don’t look at me that way, Mother! You always look at me that way! Go ahead and laugh, laugh that shrill old laugh of yours, but I can make my own decisions now because you don’t control me! Fine Mother, bring up bin Laden, just like you always do. You’ve spent your whole life trying to make me feel small, but I’m grown now. I’m a man, Mother, a man ! Hush now, I didn’t mean to raise my voice, Mother, honest. Let Georgie come and give you a kiss.” At press time, the former president was reportedly guiding Laura Bush toward the attic while murmuring, “Mother’s finally ready to meet you.”
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