Man Faces Bizarre Demand: Must Decode Own Emotions And Speak Them Aloud For Girlfriend
Ever notice how men can turn a 22-minute conversation about football into three words—“Yeah, good game”—but when it comes to expressing an actual feeling, it’s like you’ve asked them to recite the Gettysburg Address in Mandarin? Bless Gerald Ullman’s heart, he’s just trying to survive the gauntlet of modern romance, and here comes his girlfriend with the most outlandish demand yet: “use words for thoughts”… As if anyone’s been able to crack open the vault of the male psyche since the invention of grunting! I mean, what’s next—emotion charades at Thanksgiving? So, are feelings really just things to shout across a crowded room, or will poor Gerald ever master the dark magic of “sharing”? Don’t worry, you’re not alone in the struggle bus of communication. For the rest of this howling saga, click LEARN MORE.
BOSTON—Struggling to come to grips with the unreasonable demands, local man Gerald Ullman told reporters Wednesday that his overbearing girlfriend was expecting him to take the feelings in his head and use words to say them into the world. “I just don’t get what she means when she says I should use my mouth to turn my thoughts into language,” said the frustrated Ullman, explaining that “brain thoughts aren’t for girlfriend.” “Just what does she think I am? Some sort of magician? If it’s in my skull, it’s going to stay in my skull, no matter how much I move my lips. She wants me to ‘open up’ and show her ‘what’s going on inside,’ but has anyone been able to do that before?” At press time, a flustered Ullman simply responded “Horny! That’s all it is—horny!” when asked what made him punch the wall.
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