What Secretly Sabotaged Our Summer—And Why Did We Let It Happen Again?
Doesn’t it feel like every summer, somewhere between the sunscreen aisle and your 30th rewatch of “The Office,” time just—evaporates? It’s wild . You look up from your laptop (or phone, let’s be honest), and BAM—August is almost toast, the pumpkin spice memes already thundering in. Meanwhile, you’ve managed to avoid every rooftop party, bonfire, or remote chance at a steamy summer fling—and somehow also stayed exactly as doughy as the marshmallows you never roasted. If “maybe next weekend” is your seasonal battle cry, welcome to the club—America just collectively admitted we totally blew summer. Regret tastes like lemonade left out in the sun, doesn’t it? Oh well—bring on the plaid shirts and forced apple orchard selfies. LEARN MORE
WASHINGTON—With the remaining days of August dwindling and autumn rapidly approaching, the nation ashamedly confirmed Wednesday that it had once again failed to make the most of summer. “We’re running out of time, and I haven’t been to a single free concert or even entertained the idea of camping or hitting the pool,” said Brendan Carrasco, one of the 340 million Americans who uncomfortably admitted to going to work as usual and watching shows on their laptop instead of hiking the trails at a national park, watching a sunset from a roof deck, or chilling around a bonfire. “I was also supposed to get into shape and tackle a challenging novel, but I’m still a fat ass who’s on chapter three of Moby-Dick. And unless I meet someone really horny, really soon, that fling isn’t going to happen either. Yep, I totally blew it, just like every other fucking summer.” At press time, sources reported the populace of the United States could not wait to go apple picking in the fall.
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