A Family Drive Through Wealthy Suburbs Uncovers Dad’s Unspoken Struggles
Ever had that stomach-dropping moment when your kid asks, “Dad, why don’t WE have a koi pond…or ten?” Yeah. Oof—cue the slow realization that parenthood is just one long performance review, and the judge’s table is stocked with snack crumbs and existential dread . Sometimes the only thing separating your family from a gated-castle driveway is a wrong turn (thanks Google Maps) and a vanishing scrap of self-esteem. Watching Michael Lothan navigate the winding, alarmingly perfect streets of suburban excess with his kids wide-eyed in the back seat, I had to wonder—is it possible to measure love by satellite dish density? Or is being a “good provider” just another way to say “I hope my kids don’t notice all the ways I’ve failed”? Welcome to the hilariously painful spectacle of one dad’s drive through affluence—and the sharp little questions we wish our children would never ask . LEARN MORE
ST. LOUIS—According to sources inside the 2006 Honda Civic, area father Michael Lothan’s drive home Wednesday, which took a shortcut through a nearby wealthy neighborhood, exposed his children to his shortcomings as a provider. “Why are all these houses so big if there’s just one family living in them?” said Lothan’s 7-year-old son, Theo, while his 9-year-old daughter, Riley, sat silently with her forehead pressed against the window, seeing three-car garages, in-ground pools, and manicured lawns on the well-maintained street and beginning to grasp in a real way her father’s numerous inadequacies. “What does that family even do with three satellite dishes, Dad? Do they have more than one TV? And look, those kids are playing on a full basketball court. All these houses have nice circular driveways, too. Why don’t you want us to live in a place like this, Dad?” At press time, Lothan reportedly made a weak attempt to assure his dubious children that “money isn’t everything” as they pulled up to the faded split-level that served as a physical representation of his failure as a man.
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