“Aaron Rodgers’ Mind-Bending Ayahuasca Quest: What Enlightening Tale Will He Bring Back?”

In a world where the pressures of being an NFL superstar can feel as heavy as a 300-pound linebacker crashing down on you, Aaron Rodgers has taken a decidedly unorthodox route to cope. Enter the ayahuasca retreat—yes, you heard that right! The 41-year-old New York Jets quarterback has traded in post-game interviews for psychedelic experiences in the jungles of Costa Rica, all in search of the next great soundbite. Now, who wouldn’t want to know how a hallucinogenic journey could illuminate the path to more riveting anecdotes about oneself? It seems Rodgers has found his muse—or at least a new angle to keep the media buzzing while sidestepping the awkwardness of his team’s playoff drought. With a shaman at his side and a freshly opened third eye, he’s ready to turn his personal renaissance into a treasure trove of quotable moments! Curious how deep this rabbit hole goes? <a href="https://theonion.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/AaronRogersNIBIHAGR-WEB.jpg”>LEARN MORE.

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—In what the 41-year-old New York Jets quarterback described as a “transformative experience,” Aaron Rodgers confirmed Wednesday that he’d gone on an ayahuasca retreat in search of new interview anecdotes. “When I first did ayahuasca, I knew immediately that I’d found something that I could talk about for hours on all types of media platforms,” said Rodgers, who added that ingesting hallucinogens with the help of a shaman finally gave him the power, wisdom, and mental clarity to discuss his newfound drug use nonstop on podcasts, radio shows, and TV programs. “Before, I used to go into interviews and be unable to produce a single juicy sound bite, tidbit, or headline that would make me seem even remotely interesting to the general public. But since entering a maloca in Costa Rica and participating in the ceremony, I haven’t been able to shut up about it,” he said. “It’s been such an incredible journey, going deep inside my spirit to find more ways to talk about myself. When it comes to generating press, my third eye is truly open.” Rodgers went on to tell reporters that he would continue to make ayahuasca his entire personality for decades to come in order to avoid discussing the fact that he just helped the Jets miss the playoffs for the 14th-consecutive season.