Ambitious Man’s Unorthodox Preparation for Halloween Leaves Neighbors Curious About His Secret Dracula Transformation

Is it ever too early to become Béla Lugosi in a bathrobe, fangs doubling as dental misadventure while the neighbors wonder why you’re howling, “Good eeevening!” at your recycling bin before breakfast? Well, if you’re Mark Cromwell, the MVP of Massachusetts Halloween prep and arguably the only guy I know who’ll risk TMJ for a solid Dracula accent, there’s no such thing as too soon . Frankly, watching Mark train for Halloween with the kind of determination usually reserved for marathoners—45 minutes of “bluh-bluh” in the A.M., 45 more in the P.M.—got me questioning my own commitment. I mean, when was the last time I worked that hard to impress anyone? Spoiler: not recently . Yet while the rest of us will be scrambling through Spirit Halloween on October 30th, Mark will be delivering a Transylvanian performance so nuanced it’d give both Oldman and Max Schreck night terrors. Makes you wonder… is perfection worth the pressure, or should we all just phone it in as mummies and call it a day? <a href="https://theonion.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/05/ProactiveManDracula-NIB-IHA-PH.jpg”>LEARN MORE.

BEVERLY, MA—Launching into preparations months early in an effort to get a head start, proactive local man Mark Cromwell was reportedly already working on his Dracula impression Wednesday so it would be ready for Halloween. “An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure when it comes to having a world-class Count Dracula voice,” said Cromwell, confirming he had purchased a rehearsal pair of fangs weeks ago so he could practice enunciating perfectly through the costume teeth. “At this point, it’s just 45 minutes of Dracula voice in the morning and 45 minutes before bed, which is much more manageable than trying to cram all that work in during the first few weeks of October. Right now, my impression is still pretty indebted to Bela Legosi, but I’ve been studying everyone from Gary Oldman in Bram Stoker’s Dracula to Christopher Lee in the Hammer films to make sure I can bring my own spin to the performance that won’t seem like a ripoff. The last thing I want to do is panic on the day and end up saying something stupid like ‘Bleh!’” At press time, Cromwell was said to be contemplating a pivot to a mummy costume after realizing a Dracula impression could take a lifetime to fully perfect.