Are the Pirates Crossing the Line With Their Bold Pitch to Kids?

What’s the right age to break a child’s heart with baseball disappointment? No, really, at what point does “Take Me Out to the Ballgame” become a grim parental warning instead of a breezy jingle? Ha! The Pittsburgh Pirates, apparently, have decided the sooner the better. Staring at that photo—I mean, look at it, are the kids hopeful, or are they practicing their thousand-yard stares already?—I can’t help but wonder if Pirates fandom should come with an emotional waiver and a coupon for lifelong therapy . If you’ve ever dreamed of raising a sullen adult who’s an expert in handling sports pain, turns out all you need is season tickets and a little branded foam finger. The latest uproar from parents and child safety groups isn’t about video games, TikTok, or energy drinks—it’s about safeguarding small humans from a lifetime of underwhelming double-plays. Seriously, marketing futility to minors? That’s a new curveball, even for Pittsburgh. Intrigued by the lunacy? LEARN MORE.

PITTSBURGH—Detailing the harmful, long-term effects of early exposure to the ball club’s dismal on-field product, parents and child safety organizations denounced the Pittsburgh Pirates Monday for directly marketing the team to children. “It is deeply irresponsible to lure kids into becoming Pirates fans before they’re emotionally equipped to handle the kind of disappointment and chronic underperformance this franchise will almost certainly inflict on them,” said National Child Safety Council spokesperson Rebecca Amoroso, adding that targeted giveaways, cartoon mascots, and Pirates-branded youth merchandise effectively glamorized futility, setting up kids for a lifetime of frustration and terrible baseball. “The team knows that no sane adult would willingly become a Pirates fan, so they have to go after minors. They hook children early because they know the cycle of hope and despair is addicting, and if young kids start watching games, there’s a good chance they’ll grow up to be season-ticket holders. They know that Pirates fandom is linked to depression, anxiety, and even suicidal ideation, but they don’t care. Their business model depends on turning innocent, impressionable kids into sullen, dead-eyed adults who pound IC Lights and scream at the TV night after night about the team’s abysmal offense once again letting a strong pitching performance go to waste. It’s unconscionable.” Amoroso went on to urge parents to think twice before taking kids to a Pirates game, suggesting safer alternatives such as rooting for literally any other team in the National League Central.