“Behind Closed Doors: The Silent Battle Over Free Speech in University Palestine Protests”
As the academic calendar swings back into action and students flood onto campuses, it seems university administrators have decided to play a game of geopolitical chess—only this time, the pieces are students and the board is a sea of pro-Palestine protests. Seriously, have you ever wondered just how far schools will go to ensure the only thing students unite around is a good study group? Spoiler alert: it turns out they’ve rolled out some rather… unconventional tactics to keep those protests at bay. From fencing students in like they’re exhibits at a zoo to implementing a curfew on feelings (yes, you read that right), let’s take a peek at some of the most eyebrow-raising strategies these colleges are employing in their bold crackdown. Grab your popcorn—it’s going to be a wild ride!
With millions returning to campuses for the start of another school year, university administrators are establishing new policies to prevent and discourage their students from taking part in pro-Palestine protests. Here are some of the most popular strategies colleges are using in their crackdowns.
- Installing fencing around each individual student: It’s much more difficult for students to congregate when they are enclosed in steel mesh.
- Restricting the time students can publicly express empathy: Colleges like Indiana University are setting a strict 11 p.m. curfew for all feelings.
- Offering meal plans vouchers: Passively accepting ethnic cleansing will earn students Dinner Dollars, which can be redeemed at any campus eatery.
- Hiring Netanyahu as an orientation leader: There’s no problem a few days of icebreakers can’t solve.
- A Foucault pendulum hanging above the quad: The unpredictable swing of a large metal ball on a wire will deter all gatherings.
- Letting Phi Psi haze them: They can do all the stuff that got them kicked off campus last time, no questions asked.
- Marriage pacts: Wedding the protest leader to the dean’s daughter could forge a lasting peace between the warring factions.
- Mozzarella sticks in the dining hall: The more time agitated students spend in a lactose coma, the less time they can spend chanting.
- Mandatory IDF service: In order to “give them perspective,” Columbia, Harvard, and the University of Pennsylvania now require all undergraduate students to serve at least a one-year term in the Israeli military.
- More movie nights: Even the most committed protesters cannot resist the allure of a free screening of The Greatest Showman.
- Raising tuition: Those who can’t afford to enroll aren’t their problem.
The post How Universities Are Cracking Down On Palestine Protests appeared first on The Onion.
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