“Behind the Satire: The Surprising Reasons I Took the Plunge to Purchase ‘The Onion'”
Since Global Tetrahedron snatched up this quirky publication several moons ago, the buzz has been deafening about our illustrious company and what it stands for. I mean, really, who would’ve thought that a conglomerate with a portfolio that spans everything from Lockheed Martin to the world’s largest puppy mill would have its sights set on America’s Finest News Source? I can hear the skeptics already—“What kind of wild game are they playin’?” But here’s the kicker: we recognize that *The Onion* isn’t just any old satire factory; it’s a cultural artifact that deserves maximal extraction of its inherent value.
You see, during my glorious reign on the board, I’ve amassed an impressive smorgasbord of acquisitions, pillaging the likes of Boeing, Enron, and even the nation of Brazil. The media sector, already hanging by a thread—now that’s what I call a ripe fruit ready to be plucked! We didn’t just stumble upon *The Onion* and see green; we saw a gateway gleaming with prospects for population control and election manipulation—basically, we’re betting on the ennui of the now and the heartbeat of the next. And let me tell you, it’s a gamble I’m all in on.
Now, about my vision for *The Onion*—it’s as personal as it gets. I’m fully committed to diving headfirst into its daily operations. Yup, I’ve met with every single reporter, editor, and photojournalist one-on-one—if penetrating minds were a sport, consider me the MVP, folks!
But wait, let’s take a detour down the memory lane of my prodigious background—humble beginnings, a penchant for corporate conquest—even tossing in a few shady dealings along the way. That all leads to one electrifying realization: Print is where it’s at! I had the epiphany one fateful night during a spiritually charged ayahuasca trip discussing our shimmering future. Forget digital—there’s untapped gold in print!
Imagine the future of media—one where publications either go bust or fall under the rule of a savvy holding company (hint: that’s us), or where *The Onion* opens up a news outpost on Neptune! Seriously, folks, it’s a world filled with possibilitites!
So grab this tangible treasure—the first print issue in over ten years. There’s a long, grueling road behind us, laid with the missteps of past employees who didn’t make it. But today? Today’s about Global Tetrahedron and yours truly!
In all honesty, nothing tickles my fancy quite like turning something beloved into a warped version of its former self. Here’s to forging a destiny where the rich thrive, and everything pure is ground into dust.
*Infinite Growth Forever,*
*Bryce P. Tetraeder, Global Tetrahedron CEO*
Since Global Tetrahedron bought this publication several months ago, there has been significant chatter about who our company is and what it represents. Much has been made of my past as a tech entrepreneur, venture capitalist, human trafficker, and philanthropist. Some have questioned what interest we—a multinational behemoth with a portfolio encompassing everything from Lockheed Martin to the world’s largest puppy mill—could have in buying America’s Finest News Source.
