“Behind the Satire: The Surprising Reasons I Took the Plunge to Purchase ‘The Onion'”
Put simply, we understand that The Onion is special, and Global Tetrahedron’s entire executive team is dedicated to extracting all the value we can from that specialness.
During my years on our board, I have bought and looted many companies, including Boeing, Enron, Lehman Brothers, and Fannie Mae. But the media industry, in its already vulnerable state, seemed like a particularly ripe opportunity. We didn’t just see dollar signs when we looked at The Onion. Rather, we saw a strategic step forward for Global Tetrahedron LLC and Tetrahedron Holdings into the realms of population control and election manipulation. It’s a bet not just on the heartbeat of now, but also on the heartbeat of next.
It’s a bet I truly believe in.
So my vision for The Onion isn’t just one of corporate dominance. It’s also personal. That’s why I want to assure concerned readers that I will be as hands-on in The Onion’s daily operations as humanly possible. For example, I have already met one-on-one with every reporter, editor, and photojournalist at The Onion in order to penetrate them. I felt nothing. Not even when I was inside them.
But who am I and what do I bring to the leadership equation? I’m glad you asked.
Back in 1979, I was born into humble beginnings from my mother’s womb. When I was gestating, I eliminated many redundancies in her body, including a kidney, her fallopian tubes, and one of her lungs. At 7, my father enrolled me at Phillips Exeter Academy, where I began my corporate journey by buying, selling, and gutting the student newspaper.
