“Behind the Satire: The Surprising Reasons I Took the Plunge to Purchase ‘The Onion'”
Years later, I graduated from Harvard, earning a B.A. with a major in raping and a minor in pillaging. At Yale School of Management, I studied under such esteemed minds as Timothy Geithner and my dad, the petrochemical magnate Howard Tetraeder. After heading Global Tetrahedron’s corporate ransom division, I took a key role in such acquisitions as Dixie Cups, Eleventh Finger LLC, Monsanto, Monsanto Kids, Monsánto Latino, and the nation of Brazil.
Despite my corporate background, I’ve always seen myself as more aligned with the mavericks in Silicon Valley. Artificial intelligence, drone weaponry, robotic sex partners, deep-learning Sybians, and life-prolongment technology—all that and more will be crucial to the future economy. Recently, I took an unforgettable trip to Peru to ingest ayahuasca and discuss exactly these developments. When I awoke from my drug-induced trance, I was covered in blood, and the shaman I had hired was screaming.
The idea occurred to me then: Print. Print is the future. That evening, I had my assistant call up Henrietta Zweibel, the 87-year-old descendant of this paper’s founder. On that very phone call, I proposed to her that Global Tetrahedron acquire a controlling stake in The Onion. To seal the deal, I made a business pact in parabiotic blood, extracted and cleansed from my 17-year-old nephew. The rest, as they say, is history.
Where, then, do I see the future of media I see a future where all the world’s publications are either bankrupt or owned by a private holding company that manipulates them for profit and glory. I see a future where—science be damned—The Onion establishes the first manned news outpost on Neptune. I see a future where the mud slung at philanthropist and personal friend Jeffrey Epstein is finally cleaned away and justice is done.
