“Behind the Satire: The Surprising Reasons I Took the Plunge to Purchase ‘The Onion'”
It’s a future I could not be more excited about.
Indeed, what you now can hold in your hands—a print edition of The Onion—is the fruit of my forward-looking vision. For only with print can we ever hope to target readers too stupid or infirm to use the internet. Only through print can we tell imbeciles like yourself precisely how to think in a single, unswerving voice.
The Onion is Back in Print.
Get the Paper. Become a Member.
So, please, enjoy perusing the first physical issue of this publication in over a decade. The road here was long and grueling. Many employees did not live to see today, particularly those who died under tragic circumstances aboard my megayacht, The Asimov, several weeks ago. But today is not about them. Today is about Global Tetrahedron and, of course, myself.
Personally, nothing brings me more fulfillment—more joy—than taking something beloved and stomping it into an unrecognizable oblivion. May Global Tetrahedron create a world where only the rich shall prosper, and nothing pure will ever exist again.
Infinite Growth Forever,
Bryce P. Tetraeder, Global Tetrahedron CEO
The post Here’s Why I Decided To Buy ‘The Onion’ appeared first on The Onion.
