“Biden’s Shocking Greenlight: Why Ukraine’s Long-Range Strike on the U.S. Has Experts on Edge”
In an unexpected twist that could rival any Hollywood blockbuster, President Joe Biden has taken a rather dramatic turn in his approach to foreign relations—by audibly expressing his readiness for a long-range missile strike against himself. Yes, you read that right! As the weary leader, weary from the weight of political responsibilities and global tensions, decided to throw caution (and his own safety) to the wind, he granted Ukraine the green light to use precision weapons aimed right at him. It’s a wild scenario that raises the question: is this a desperate plea for peace or just a bizarre way to ask for a vacation? With Biden’s humorous yet poignant declaration of “I’m ready, man,” one can’t help but wonder if he might just be onto something—like giving politicians everywhere a new way to deal with their stress! Ready for a laugh as we dive deeper into this whirlwind of comedic absurdity? <a href="https://theonion.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/11/BidenAuthorizesNIBIHAGR.webp”>LEARN MORE.
‘I’m Ready, Man,’ Declares Weary President
WASHINGTON—Explaining that this represented the end of the line and he simply wished to go out with a bang, President Joe Biden announced Monday that he had authorized Ukraine to use long-range weapons on him. “Effective immediately, I’m giving the Ukrainian military the support needed for them to carry out a precision long-distance strike that would put me out of my misery,” said the visibly depleted commander-in-chief, who described how the U.S.-provided Army Tactical Missile Systems, or ATACMS, would provide Ukraine’s forces with a crucial edge in wiping him off the map after years of grinding existence. “It has been a long road to get here. Frankly, I’m tired. So, so tired. All I want to do is to go away forever. A missile launched over 5,500 miles from Eastern Europe would do that exactly. So launch the strike, Volodymyr. You’ll be doing me a favor, all right? 10…9…8…” At press time, Biden was spotted waving his arms as he stepped onto the White House lawn and looked expectantly toward the sky.
