Billionaire’s Bizarre Evening Ritual Ends in Regret—What Happened After 4 P.M.?

Ever stare at a billionaire’s face and ask yourself, “Did that guy really just mainline a Capri Sun full of prepubescent plasma before dinner?” No? Guess you’re not living in Jasper Stroud’s Silicon Valley. Trust me, you haven’t truly made it in tech until you’re stressing about your bedtime after accidentally topping off with a liter of hormone-laced youth fresh from the “blood boy” fridge—yes, that’s apparently a thing now. Watching this restless mogul do laps on an underwater treadmill to sweat out a tween’s restless energy, I can’t help but wonder—what’s the ROI on insomnia powered by middle school testosterone? Spoiler: More than blue-light blocking glasses could ever dream. Curious how deep the rabbit hole (or vein) goes? LEARN MORE

SAN FRANCISCO—Kicking himself for having made such a foolish error in judgment, restless tech billionaire Jasper Stroud expressed regret Friday at having an infusion of child’s blood after 4 p.m. “I should’ve just taken a nap instead of popping open my blood boy fridge and getting a quick hit,” said the anxious fintech founder, noting that so much blood so late in the day was bad for his sleep schedule and he could already feel the middle schooler’s testosterone upping his heart rate. “Even a couple drops is a lot—what the hell was I thinking taking a whole liter of this stuff? I’m going to be tossing and turning in my bed for hours thanks to this fresh, youthful blood! Jesus, I should’ve had it parabiotically filtered through a college student at the very least.” At press time, the jittery billionaire was running on his underwater treadmill to see if he could sweat out the 13-year-old’s hormones.