“Bound by Orders: The Disturbing Tale of a Man Who Can’t Say No”
In a world rife with self-advocacy and bold declarations, it seems Danny Reese has mastered the art of compliance to an exceptional degree—so much so that one might ponder whether he believes his middle name is “Obedient.” This Chicagoan seems to have taken the phrase “when the court speaks, you listen” to heart, as he dutifully follows every order dished out by the Cook County Circuit Court. Could there possibly be a hidden talent for avoiding confrontation that he’s hoarding? Or is he just saving his dramatic flair for another day? Witnessing him in court, it’s hard not to wonder if anyone—besides his lawyer, of course—has ever seen him exhibit a spine. Reports suggest he’d rather give up his firearm than risk a cheeky remark at the bench. So, buckle up for a whimsy-filled breakdown of a man perfectly content to just… sit there. <a href="https://theonion.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/01/Weak-WilledManNIBGPH.jpg”>LEARN MORE.
CHICAGO—Saying he ought to try standing up for himself every once and a while, sources reported Tuesday that local weak-will man Danny Reese did whatever the Cook County Circuit Court ordered him to do. “The judge tells him to stay 500 feet away from this place, stay 500 feet away from that place—and this pushover just sits there and takes it!” said courtroom spectator Drew Bernat, noting that anybody with even a little self-respect would speak up before agreeing to abide by the terms of a restraining order, attend mandatory drug counseling, and make regular child support payments. “You’d think at some point he’d grow a spine and at least cut off his ankle monitor. But nope, here he is, tail between his legs, not threatening to kill the defendant just because a judge has ordered him to have no contact with her.” At press time, sources confirmed Reese was so afraid of incurring the wrath of the court that he had voluntarily turned over his firearm to authorities without first firing a few rounds at the judge.
