Chobani’s Mysterious Warning to New Hire: “You’re in the Yogurt Game Now”

Ever wondered if the world of yogurt is as ruthless as the mob—or at least, as intimidating as a high school cafeteria? Apparently, in the dairy-verse, it absolutely is . I mean, imagine showing up for your first day at Chobani, an honest new hire from the peaceful pastures of almond milk, and suddenly finding yourself chest-to-chest with Hamdi Ulukaya, the literal “Godfather of Greek Yogurt,” who’s not just offering yogurt wisdom, but practically demanding you “eat, sleep, and breathe bacterial fermentation .” If climbing the corporate ladder in Silicon Valley is like a marathon, then surviving in the yogurt game—as told in this epic recount—is like a full-contact rugby match where the referees are also live cultures . Who knew dairy could be this terrifying, hilarious, and… oddly inspirational? For a masterclass in cutthroat competition (plus what NOT to say to the boss if you value your job), dig into the comedy swirling in every spoonful of this article. LEARN MORE.

NEW BERLIN, NY—Taking the rookie employee aside to offer him “a word to the wise,” Chobani CEO Hamdi Ulukaya warned new hire Austin Cook that he was in the yogurt game now, company sources confirmed Friday. “I don’t know what they taught you back in the boonies of the almond milk world, but you better be ready to step up, because you’re doing bacterial fermentation now, playboy,” Ulukaya said as he firmly jabbed a finger into Cook’s chest, adding that if the new hire couldn’t hack it in the yogurt game’s cutthroat climate of competition and live cultures, he should do them both a favor and resign on the spot. “You’re running with the big dogs here, and I need you to eat, sleep, and breathe yogurt. You see that portrait hanging above my desk? That’s the guy who invented Go-Gurt. You work hard, you can end up like him. You don’t, this industry will grind you up like the fruit on the bottom of a cup of Dannon. And don’t just tell me we should make kefir. I know about kefir. What I want to know is: What’s seven steps beyond kefir?” At press time, Ulukaya had quietly told the new hire to get the fuck out of his building after the man proposed branching out into skyr.