“Chuck Schumer Unveils Shocking Secrets: What the Senate Majority Leader Really Thinks About Biden, Trump, and 2024!”
The Onion: What do you consider your biggest accomplishment?
Schumer: Probably achieving telepathic communication with Nancy Pelosi.
The Onion: What do you still want to accomplish?
Schumer: I don’t know exactly how it’ll happen, but I’d really like something called “The Schumer Protocol” to exist.
The Onion: Are you excited about the new generation of Democratic leaders?
Schumer: The 65-year-olds coming up have really impressed me in how quickly they fall in line.
The Onion: Are you jealous Mitch McConnell is considered the most chelonian senator, even though you also look like a turtle?
Schumer: I’m under no illusion that the American public is well-versed in herpetology.
The Onion: What’s something about you that might surprise people?
Schumer: That it’s really me sending all those text messages.
The Onion: Be honest—how do you really feel about AOC?
Schumer: Alexandria and I may not always see eye to eye on policy, but at the end of the day, I will crush her beneath my heel.
The Onion: How do you want to leave office when the time comes?
Schumer: Gracefully by body bag.
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