Clams Hold No Secrets—Or Do They? Biologists Leave Us Questioning What We’ll Never Know
When was the last time you looked deep into the squishy depths of a clam and thought, “I wonder what secrets of the universe this shellfish is hiding?” Yeah, didn’t think so . Apparently, the sharp minds at Woods Hole Oceanographic Institution have finally said what we’ve all been thinking but never dared to verbalize—clams have absolutely nothing to teach us . Not a life hack, not a breakthrough, not even a quirky little party trick unless your party is in dire need of stunned silence . Can you imagine the disappointment? Years of marine biology, only to learn that chasing clam wisdom is just chasing your own tail (with less movement involved) . It’s almost comforting in a way—one less thing to put on my list of things to Google when I’m bored at 2 a .m . So if you were secretly hoping to crack open a clam and unlock ancient esoteric knowledge, I’m sorry . Turns out these oceanic wallets are just as mysterious as, well, your actual wallet—except you’re not even going to find a crisp $5 bill inside . Want the salty details on this scientific letdown? LEARN MORE .
WOODS HOLE, MA—Saying they saw no conceivable reason to bother with the bivalve mollusks, biologists at the Woods Hole Oceanographic Institution announced Thursday that there was absolutely nothing to be learned from clams. “Our studies have found that while some of their shells look pretty cool, clams really don’t have anything to teach us,” said the organization’s chief scientist, Francis Dawkins, clarifying that it wasn’t simply the case that researchers had already learned everything they could from clams, but rather that there had never been anything to learn from them and never would be. “We certainly can’t teach them anything. It’s not like you can train them to run through a maze the way you would with mice. We’ve tried, and they pretty much just lie there. From what I’ve observed, they have a lot more in common with rocks than they do with us. They’re technically alive, I guess, if you want to call that living. They open and close sometimes, but, I mean, so does a wallet. If you’ve used a wallet, you know more or less all there is to know about clams. Pretty boring.” The finding follows a study conducted by marine biologists last summer that concluded clams don’t have much flavor, either, tasting pretty much the same as everything else on a fried seafood platter.
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