College Crew Issues Mysterious Late-Night Plea Amid Member’s Secretive Divorce Turmoil
Did you ever notice how the group chat only comes back to life when someone’s life completely falls apart? Here’s a thought—maybe meaningful friendships are just like old pizza in your college dorm fridge: neglected for years, but weirdly comforting in a crisis (so long as you don’t mind a little emotional indigestion) . I’ve always wondered, is the real glue of adult relationships the occasional catastrophic divorce? Because suddenly all those buddies who vanished the moment they got hitched are texting with the intensity of a motivational speaker after a TED Talk binge . My heart goes out to anyone navigating heartbreak, but let’s admit it—I’m also bracing myself for the tidal wave of existential 2 a.m. texts and the inevitable, “Hey, are we still doing trivia night?” Honestly, who knew marriage vows had a hidden clause: “til group thread do us part…”? Anyway, if you think you’re the only one riding the friendship rollercoaster post-divorce, trust me, you’re in good company—and probably sitting next to someone clutching a lawyer’s business card . LEARN MORE
AKRON, OH—Replying to a sparse text thread that had been only marginally active over the past few years, the nation’s friends from college announced Thursday that they would need someone to lean on during their divorce. “We know that we kind of fell off the face of the earth after getting married, but the divorce made us realize just how much we could really use a friend right now,” said 41-year-old Greg Whipple, who spoke on behalf of all former college buddies looking to reconnect after the recent dissolution of their marriages left them with both too much free time and no support system. “We’re going through a rough patch and really need constant validation to fill the void in our newly single lives. We’d love to meet up for a drink—heck, let’s make it a weekly thing. Also, please be aware that texting us something generic like ‘Sorry to hear that!’ will be met with emotional four-paragraph responses from here on out.” The friends added that they knew your marriage was solid, but said if that ever changed, they knew a really great lawyer.
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