“Confessions of Childhood: 72 Women Reveal the Most Heartbreaking Lessons From Their Fathers’ Mistakes”
Open dialogue rather than telling her you know better. Odds are, you DO know better. But telling her that shuts her down and she feels like you don’t value her thoughts or opinions. So she won’t open up to you again.
My dad and I recently talked about how he stopped showing physical affection when I hit puberty (20 years ago). He didn’t know how to act because his sisters got treated inappropriately by others when he was young, and he wanted to be sure I never felt like that. It resulted in me never getting hugs or kisses on the cheeks anymore. He also didn’t know how to talk about it in the past. But in the last years, he worked through so much of his rough childhood and really learned to express himself better. He apologized, and I said I understood and that his intentions came from a good place, that the only bad thing was all the hugs we missed out on. We hugged for a really long time after that, and we’ve been hugging extra tight ever since 🙂
So I guess what I wanna say is, don’t treat your daughters differently when their bodies start to change. And always keep talking! I’m so proud of my dad for the person he’s become
Treating women poorly. Giving different rules because you’re a girl. Leaving and thinking their daughters don’t want or need your attention anymore. Not having actual conversations with them.
Not apologizing or taking accountability for making mistakes, everything was always everyone else’s fault….which means we now have a surface level relationship because he could never be open or self reflective.
Not getting to know us as people especially into adulthood. After a lifetime of me trying and him not bothering all I have is a surface level relationship with him. I’m sad about it but for my mental health I had to come to terms with the fact he was never particularly interested in parenting. He just wanted to have kids.
My dad tended to mock me about my eating habits; if I took more than one bowl or plate of something, he’d make a comment about how I was “eating for three.” I was maybe 12 when he started, and it’s stuck with me.
He also didn’t stop my sister from making those comments and often joined in himself.
I saw your comment about being the dad of a teen daughter. Please, please don’t comment on her eating habits. It does so much damage. I’m 21 and still struggle with an ED because my dad kept commenting on it.
Do not embarrass your child when they hit puberty, or exclaim in a store”she needs a bra, she has breasts now” . I wanted to die that day.
Not controlling your temper. Even if you are someone who would never put your hands on her, it’s still scary. You can always use your size and voice to win arguments so you have to make an active effort to never pick up those “tools” because they will always enable you to win. Even if she knows she is safe with you it is still scary and lowers self-esteem.
My dad didn’t do any of the stereotypical mistakes.
But as a fully grown woman, I can now look back and see how my dad never complimented me.
He never called me beautiful, or intelligent, or talented, or kind, or anything.
And I was. I was a lovely, smart, motivated, talented kid. But I was deeply insecure. I think a little encouragement from love would’ve done me so much good.
Doubting the sincerity/professionalism/skill of other women they encounter because they’re women.
One time my dad said “you know they only put that woman [insert title of car show] on the mechanics team for one reason (hinting at the reason being eye candy).”
It stayed with me. I had been dealing with a lot of sexism in the industry I was pursuing — making a connection inevitably led to a request for a dinner date or a sexual proposition — and it really made me depressed to hear my dad say something like that about a woman who probably really did have an interest in cars.
He didn’t get why I was so upset.
My dad wanted to raise intelligent and capable daughters but also wanted to be treated like the family patriarch. We had to get good grades but any attempt to express individuality was crushed. Quelle surpise, I developed depression as a teen. Got therapy for it, the therapist had a family session and told my dad he was f*****g up. Therapy stopped.
Also he and my mother were miserable together, and I internalized a lot of bad ish about how they treated each other that took about a decade to unpack and overcome. Together or not, treat your daughter’s mother with kindness and respect.
