“Cool Dog Controversy: Will This Canine Change the Nation’s Heart or Spark a Debate?”
“Oh my gosh, what an amazing pup,” said Connecticut resident and MRI technician Ken Piper, one of millions who descended upon the park to bend forward and offer the back of their hand for the easy-going canine to sniff. “Just look at that adorable furry face and those perky ears. He’s so calm and composed. He never seems to doubt himself.”
Sources said the entire population circled around Scout and jockeyed for positions near him, kneeling down on the ground and reaching out to shake his paw. The nation reportedly made countless overtures to court the border collie’s favor, such as whistling, jumping up and down, and barking in imitation of him.
In the hours since discovering the cool dog, Americans are believed to have offered him millions of tennis balls, squeaky toys, and knotted tug ropes, though none of the gifts have prompted the animal to reciprocate even a fraction of the interest being directed at him.
“Hey, buddy, look at this stick! Here’s a stick,” said Kansas paralegal Erica Shane, who desperately pleaded for Scout’s attention among throngs of stick-waving Americans before she threw her own stick and it joined a hail of similar projectiles, all of which landed in a massive heap several feet behind the dog. “All right, buddy, goooooo get it!”
Millions of Americans are reported to have watched forlornly as Scout merely scratched at his left ear instead of heeding their frantic cries of “Go get the stick!”
According to a nationwide poll, 81% of respondents said they wanted to give Scout a nice, long belly rub; 98% described the border collie as “a good dog, a very good dog”; and 67% confirmed they wanted a big slobbery kiss from the pooch.
