“Countdown to Change: What the Department of Education’s Bold Move to ‘Three’ Means for Students Nationwide”

In a world where every time you turn around there’s a new headline that’ll make you do a double take, the U.S. Department of Education is throwing down the gauntlet—yes, they’re actually counting to three. Yes, you heard that correctly, folks! In a wacky twist you’d think was ripped straight from a sitcom script, education officials, led by the animated Ella Reiss, are playing the role of stern parent in a press conference—complete with light switches flashing and dramatic counts that would make any kindergarten teacher proud. It seems Darryl Fulbright from Akron, OH, might need to keep his nose clean, or “one… two… two and a half” could land him in a heap of trouble! Are we really surprised that counting has become the latest method of government urgency? Honestly, who knew education warnings could feel like an episode of a reality show? Hang on to your hats, America, because if the Department of Education has its way, we might just find ourselves on “very thin ice.” Want to dive into the hilarity? <a href="https://theonion.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/02/DepartmentOfEducation_Sternly-NIB-PH.jpg”>LEARN MORE.

WASHINGTON—Insisting they were serious this time as they addressed all 340 million Americans, officials with the U.S. Department of Education sternly announced Thursday that they were counting to three. “All right, we’re not playing around here, guys—you do not want to see what happens when we get to three,” department spokesperson Ella Reiss said during a press conference, rapidly switching the lights on and off in the briefing room and then snapping several times to get the country’s full attention. “Darryl Fulbright of Akron, OH, we see you there! Don’t even think of it, mister. Fine, fine! You asked for it. One…two…two and a half…” At press time, the Department of Education was reportedly drawing a tally mark next to the country’s name and saying it was on very thin ice.