Decade-Long Effort to Dodge ‘Mr. Popper’s Penguins’ Spoilers Shattered by One Fateful Slip—Here’s What Happened

Is there any greater modern tragedy than dedicating over a decade to ducking movie spoilers—only to get ambushed by a rogue Jim Carrey fan on the #6 bus? I mean, honestly, what’s the shelf life for not knowing how a children’s film about penguins ends? Fourteen years seems like the stuff of legend—or at least a man in desperate need of a new hobby . Yet here we are: Evan Stackelberg, the unsung hero (or, perhaps, the cautionary tale) of Spokane, laying it all on the line for that ever-elusive “pure first viewing” experience… only to have it all dashed in a flash of public transport carelessness . It makes you wonder: is the real twist how far we’ll go to keep pop culture pristine, or how spectacularly the universe conspires against us? If you’ve ever winced while overhearing a spoiler, you’ll chuckle, groan, and probably feel a little less alone after reading this story . <a href="https://theonion.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/14YearNIBPHG.jpg”>LEARN MORE

SPOKANE, WA—Lamenting that all his effort had been in vain, area man Evan Stackelberg told reporters Thursday that his 14 years of avoiding spoilers for Mr. Popper’s Penguins had been undone in a single moment of carelessness. “I stayed off social media, I steered clear of film podcasts, and then the one second I let my guard down, some guy behind me on the bus goes and blurts out the ending to his girlfriend,” Stackelberg said as he dejectedly cradled his head in his hands, adding that he had forgone the earplugs he normally wears on public transit to avoid Mr. Popper’s Penguins spoilers out of a foolhardy belief that he would be safe because he was only traveling two stops. “I blame myself, really. I should have gotten off the bus as soon as I heard that guy mention he was a Jim Carrey fan. I’d been meaning to watch Mr. Popper’s Penguins for so long, and it really looked like this Saturday was finally going to be the night. But I choked right in the home stretch, and now I’ll never be able to go in fresh and fully experience the power of Mr. Popper’s ultimate redemption.” Witnesses later reported seeing Stackelberg huffing solvents and slamming his head against the ground in a desperate attempt to erase the Mr. Popper’s Penguins spoilers from his mind.