“Decoding Trump: When Words Become Weapons in a High-Stakes Political Drama”
In a world where satire knows no bounds, The Onion’s latest commentary dives into a wild and absurd landscape, presenting a character who’s decidedly over the edge. Ever found yourself wondering just how far some folks would go to silence dissent? Well, if you’ve ever thought the debate stage could use a bit more bloodshed—metaphorically, of course—this piece might just tickle your funny bone. The provocative and outrageous calls for “retribution” here push the limits of humor, forcing us to confront the chaotic extremes of modern discourse. Strap in for a rollercoaster of grim hilarity that’ll make you laugh, gasp, and question just how crazy it can get. And trust me, you won’t want to miss it! LEARN MORE.
COUNTERPOINT
Have That Guy Killed
All right, hello. That guy? The one making the points about me? Have him killed. Dead. I want that very much. I’m serious about this: I want you to go to wherever he lives, as soon as possible, and put a bullet in his brain.
I think he mentioned the National Guard? It’s worth seeing whether we could get some of them to round up that son of a bitch and blow his brains out against the wall in front of his wife. What was this guy’s name again? Dan? Daniel? Find his address. There needs to be retribution.
Someone is saying he’s at 559 N. Wheelock Street in D.C. Great. Go to his house at night, smash the windows with a brick, and drag him out on the lawn. Knock the hell out of him while his scared kids watch. Make him scream. Cave in his skull. I really mean it. I want his head on a fucking pike.
If you do this, don’t worry. I’ll pardon you. Anyone who does this is a terrific patriot. People like him—they’re sick, they’re evil. Many are Marxists or fascists. When I talk about enemies from within? That’s this guy. He needs to be put down like a sick dog.
Right now. Go. Do it. Put him down.
He said something about shooting protesters in the legs. That’s great. We should do that to him. Someone could blow off both of his kneecaps when he’s out buying groceries or something. He should know that could happen to him whenever. I want him scared to go outside. I know plenty of my supporters are listening. They can do this for me.
And anyone who stands up for him? Journalists or left-wing lunatics? We can kill them, too. Burn down their houses, slit their kids’ throats. Whatever. You understand me. If you go after me, I am coming after you.
I want this done as soon as possible. Okay? Thank you.
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