Deity Under Wraps: God Enters Secret Protection Program Following Harrowing Murder Witness
Federal agents said they were contacted at 3:47 a.m. by the Lord Our God, who, after telling them He had seen a killing on the Camden, NJ docks that implicated members of the DeCavalcante crime family, expressed fear for His own safety. As soon as officials took His statement, U.S. marshals reportedly rushed to supply the 6,000-year-old Supreme Ruler of the Universe with a new identity and relocate Him to an undisclosed location far from His Heavenly Throne.
“When God called to report the shooting, He wanted our absolute assurance that if He gave testimony, no one would ever find Him or His Son,” said an anonymous FBI source who described the Divine Creator as “incredibly shaken up” as He discussed the terms of protective custody over a cup of black coffee in a holding room. “He kept warning us that the guys in the crime family would hunt Him down and do things to Him far worse than death. Unfortunately, most gods in a situation like this don’t survive without our assistance.”
“But some very bad people are going away for a long time thanks to the Lord’s cooperation,” the source added. “For that we’re grateful.”
The Deity Protection Program, first established by Congress in 1970 after the Hindu god Ganesha became an expert witness in a federal racketeering case, has gone on to shelter thousands of omnipotent beings who were threatened after testifying against crime syndicates, drug traffickers, and extremist groups. While specific details about God’s arrangement are unconfirmed, in the past the program has provided new identities, $60,000 in support, help finding a job, and U.S. marshal escorts to divinities ranging from Sumerian fertility idols to Chinese dragon kings.
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