Deity Under Wraps: God Enters Secret Protection Program Following Harrowing Murder Witness
As of 2024, there were an estimated 900 gods, goddesses, and demigods living in American trailer parks, motels, and safe houses under the auspices of the program, which boasts a 100% success rate for those who follow provided safety protocol.
Agency insiders confirmed that the evidence provided by all-seeing, all-knowing sources often helped to win convictions of the worst criminals. However, many deities struggle with the temptation to return to their former divine life. Officials pointed to the 1983 case of ancient Norse god and federal witness Bældæġ, who was found pierced through the heart with an enchanted spear after abandoning his identity as a line cook at a New Hampshire diner.
“What makes this program so important is that many of these deities have made very powerful enemies in their time,” said domestic crime expert Deborah Tuchman, adding that such gods were not necessarily innocent themselves, and were often linked to trillions of crimes through their history overseeing the universe’s endless cycle of birth and death. “Some of them have suffered for thousands of years after instilling humans with the ability to do evil. They feel trapped.”
“In fact, many only agree to testify in order to reduce their own lengthy sentences chained to a rock or imprisoned in Tartarus,” she continued.
Those familiar with the program described the wrenching decision faced by deities who enter the program, pointing to the difficult challenge of leaving behind billions of supporters, angels who cater to their every whim, and a meaningful role overseeing the cosmos in order to spend the foreseeable future working retail in Middle America. Many have complained of the stress caused by neighbors questioning their supplied backstory after they were spotted resurrecting the dead, swallowing lightning, or flying over the face of the planet.
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