Devout Cardinal’s Lifelong Ambitions Shattered in Vatican’s Stunning Papal Decision

You ever have one of those weeks where you realize five decades of your life—let’s say, just hypothetically, spent in a cassock and sensible shoes—might’ve been for nothing? I mean, imagine devoting yourself to faith, stacking up a gold-star collection of good deeds, and then getting totally snubbed at the world’s weirdest job interview. That’s the reality for Cardinal Pietro Parolin, who probably thought the papacy was the logical next step after years of Vatican ladder-climbing . Turns out, all those vows and humble brags landed him with nothing but a freshly bruised ego, thanks to his fellow Cardinals and their Conclave cabal. Ouch. Is it really too much to expect a little divine ROI after all that celibacy? For the hilariously frustrated fallout—complete with stomping vestments and some quality existential dread—<a href="https://theonion.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/05/CardinalPassedOver-NIB-PH.jpg”>LEARN MORE.

VATICAN CITY—Angrily stomping on his vestments and throwing his zucchetto on the ground, Cardinal Pietro Parolin told reporters Friday that being passed over for pope meant he had devoted his life to God for absolutely nothing. “Five goddamn decades of faith, dedication, and service in the name of our Lord and Savior, and this is the thanks I get?” said the 70-year-old Veteran Vatican diplomat, adding that he would have spent his life mired in sin if he knew it was going to end with Cardinal Robert Prevost being elected the 267th Pope of the Catholic Church. “Seriously. I spent 56 years living a moral, humble, and charitable life to get snubbed by some catty Cardinals at their stupid little Conclave. I took a vow of celibacy for God’s sake! Everyone must think I’m such an idiot.” A distraught Parolin added that he knew he should have listened to his gut, never joined the seminary, and devoted his life to Islam instead.