Disgraced Royal Caught in Shocking Street Encounter—What Is Prince Andrew Really After?
Isn’t it wild how history is full of fallen royals, but you never expect to see one begging for “a girl” on the soot-streaked streets of London—unless apparently, you’re taking a walk in the Onion’s imagination? Honestly, if you’d asked me last week, “What’s more likely: Prince Andrew gets a job as a chimney sweep or he launches a Dickensian campaign for child victims in Whitechapel?” I’d have just sipped my flat white and laughed it off . But here we are, peering through the fog of grimy satire, slightly mortified and undeniably entertained, as an exiled Duke pleads for his next “moppet” fix . (It’s all so wrong…and yet, can you look away?) If you’re ready to tumble down the cobblestone rabbit hole of discomfort and dark humor, you won’t want to miss what’s next . LEARN MORE
LONDON—Shivering and rubbing his hands together as he attempted to stay warm, a ragged, soot-covered former Prince Andrew was spotted Tuesday on a street in the Whitechapel district of London begging for a child to molest. “Please, sir, may I have a girl? A small one? Surely you have some to spare,” said the disgraced ex-duke of York, who coughed feverishly as disgusted passersby rushed between bakers’ shops and haberdashers, wrenching their coat sleeves away from his filthy, fingerless-gloved hands. “I’ll tend your horses for a mere whiff of a prepubescent bird. I’ll fondle an adult who looks like a moppet—I don’t mind! I haven’t molested in days! My knob is awfully chilly. I beg you sir, have a heart. It’s nearly Christmastime!” At press time, the former prince was reportedly pressing his face against a window and gazing ravenously into the home of a happy family molesting a huge child.
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