“Divine Dilemma: Has the Sun Lost Its Shine, or Are We Just Looking the Other Way?”

In a world that seems content to gaze at the moon while ignoring its brilliant counterpart, the sun is having a bit of a self-esteem crisis. Can you imagine feeling like a forgotten deity after ruling the skies for eons? That’s right! The sun, once the dazzling center of adoration and sacrifice, is now throwing a cosmic tantrum. Its latest plea for devotion—a glorious total eclipse—turned out to be as effective as a solar-powered flashlight at midnight. With a cosmic flair, it bemoans the lack of tribute and affection, questioning just what it’ll take to regain its loyal followers. After all, it boldly proclaims, “I’m the motherfucking sun!” But alas, even that declaration couldn’t keep humans from stepping outside to admire a lesser celestial body. So, what does the sun need to do to reclaim its status? Let’s dive into this solar saga of desperation and comedy! <a href="https://theonion.com/wp/content/uploads/2025/01/SunUnsureNIBSPH.jpg”>LEARN MORE

HOUSTON—Coming to terms with its diminished status after thousands of years as a venerated deity commanding pure devotion, the sun admitted this week that it was unsure what it had to do to get humans to worship it again. “Last year I tried this huge total eclipse, and that didn’t do shit,” the sun said via a series of violent solar flares translated by NASA astronomer Wayne Stern, who noted the yellow dwarf star’s displeasure that it no longer received sacrificial offerings of human virgins or even herd animals. “How can I make it any more glaringly obvious that I am an omnipotent force deserving of unwavering loyalty? I’m the largest object in the sky. I am life and I am death. I am creator and destroyer. I am the motherfucking sun. How can there be any doubt that I am God?” On Monday evening, the sun announced it had officially given up after thousands of humans stepped out into the backyard to admire a particularly neat full moon.