Divine Mystery: Why Are There Fewer Gorillas Than God Remembers?
Ever get the sneaking suspicion you’ve misplaced something—like your car keys, your phone, or maybe…several billion gorillas? Well, apparently, you’re not alone—turns out, God himself is scratching his celestial head, muttering “I could’ve sworn I made more of those brawny, banana-loving beasts!” And honestly, who could blame Him? Considering the last time I checked, the planet seemed more like “Planet of the Apes” than “Where Did All the Gorillas Go?” This article dives, face-first, into that existential jungle: Why are there fewer than 6,000 eastern lowland gorillas left on Earth? Could it be a cosmic accounting error? Or did the majority just up and evolve into suit-wearing, coffee-guzzling humans? My money’s on the latter—ever been to a networking event? The resemblance is uncanny.
With my digital marketer’s brain, I’m obsessed with numbers not adding up—and apparently, so is the Almighty. If you’re ready to laugh, roll your eyes, and maybe cringe at the thought of the Creator pacing the heavens counting gorilla heads, then this satirical exposé is absolutely your next must-read. Goes to show: even deities can have those “wait, did I leave the stove on?” moments.
THE HEAVENS—Expressing confusion over the primate’s classification as an endangered species on the planet, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, announced Monday that He could have sworn He put more gorillas down there. “How are there fewer than 6,000 of the eastern lowland ones left when I swear I made Earth, like, half gorillas?” the Creator of All Things said as He repeatedly counted the remaining great apes from a cloud but failed to reach a total that made any sense to Him. “Where the hell did they all go? Did I put some in South America by mistake? This is so weird—I thought I created billions of those fuckers.” After tiring of His search, God concluded that most of the gorillas down there probably just evolved into guys.
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