“Divine Transformation: The Shocking Secret Behind God’s Youthful Rebirth Revealed!”
In a heavenly twist that could put any dermatology clinic on Earth to shame, sources claim that God—yes, the Almighty Himself—has recently undergone a miraculous makeover that’s left Him glowing like a morning sun after a particularly long winter. Four hundred millennia younger, He’s been rejuvenated through an unorthodox procedure involving His son’s blood. (!) Residents of heaven are reportedly buzzing with awe, noting that God’s once-sagging features are tightening up, and He’s sporting a newfound sparkle in His eyes. Is it divine intervention or just a cosmetic miracle? Well, one thing’s for sure: if He continues down this path, we might just see Him whip up a few new creations in the near future. And as curious celestial medics raise eyebrows about the risks (wine!?) involved, one thing remains crystal clear—cosmetic procedures in the afterlife might just be the next big trend. To unravel the details of this heavenly transformation, <a href="https://theonion.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/11/GodLooksNIB_IHA-GR.jpg”>LEARN MORE.
THE HEAVENS—The color noticeably returning to His white beard as His cheeks began to flush with a youthful glow, celestial sources reported Monday that God has looked 400 millennia younger since He began undergoing a controversial procedure in which He is infused with His son’s blood. “I had my doubts at first, but as soon as He started receiving those blood of Christ transfusions, it was like He had a whole new lease on eternal life,” said Regis Anderson, a longtime resident of heaven who observed that God’s soft tissues, which had begun to sag with age, appeared rejuvenated and tighter now that He had committed to a regimen that makes use of the Most Precious Blood of His only begotten son. “Sure, the whole thing seems pretty woo-woo, but you can’t argue with those results. His eyes are brighter, His confidence has skyrocketed—I wouldn’t be surprised if He finally starts creating again.” Reached for comment, heaven’s medical officials stated that God had been warned of the severe health risk He faces if His son’s blood transubstantiates back into wine after entering His bloodstream.
