“End of an Era: The Onion Reveals Shocking Reason Behind ‘New York Times’ Closure”
“My entire career has been a waste,” Brooks added. “I’ve spent decades of my life writing the most pathetic drivel here every day and never gotten a single story right.”
The New York Times was reportedly in early-stage talks to be acquired by The Onion’s parent company, Global Tetrahedron, but CEO Bryce P. Tetraeder swiftly declined to purchase the publication, citing its current standing as one of the least respected and most highly discredited newspapers in the world.
“For all its so-called accolades, The New York Times surrendered swiftly and painlessly to The Onion’s print relaunch,” said Tetraeder, who appeared delighted while speaking from a boardroom located in one of the company’s many covert black sites. “Global Tetrahedron currently dominates the world’s most lucrative industries, including weapons manufacturing, human trafficking, and child slavery. Now, after securing the demise of The Times, we control the booming print industry as well.”
“I advise anyone mourning this periodical to save their breath and instead subscribe to a superior product,” the media magnate continued. “I am simply happy I could assist The New York Times by ending its pathetic run once and for all.”
