FBI Uncovers Shocking Evidence Linking Judicial Attire to Infamous MS-13 Gang

Just when I thought I’d seen it all, the FBI comes swinging in—quite literally—with the most unexpected wardrobe malfunction of the decade. Gavels and black gowns: not just for judges anymore, my friends . Now, apparently, they’re the sinister stripes of the notorious MS-13—at least, according to FBI director Kash Patel, who I suspect may have watched one too many reruns of “Law & Order” in the dark. Isn’t it wild to imagine a rogue pack of Yale and Harvard law grads lurking in the shadows of the courthouse, ready to “bang the gavel” in ways that would make even Scorsese blush? Personally, the next time I see a judge briskly striding down the hallway, I might just duck for cover—or at least double-check if they’ve got a gang tattoo hidden under those robes. Are our guardians of justice actually moonlighting as master criminals, or is this just the world’s most elaborate game of legal dress-up? Either way, I can’t help but smirk at the thought… You just can’t make this stuff up. Or can you? <a href="https://theonion.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/FBIClaimsNIBPHG.jpg”>LEARN MORE.

WASHINGTON—Explaining that such items constituted a veritable uniform for the notorious criminal organization, FBI director Kash Patel claimed Monday that gavels and black gowns were sufficient evidence to tie an individual to the MS-13 gang. “For decades, MS-13 thugs have identified themselves by wearing black gowns and carrying around wooden hammers with which they could enact their sick sense of gangland justice,” said Patel, who urged U.S. citizens to remain vigilant and immediately report such suspects to authorities so they could be detained and deported. “Many of them get recruited out of hotbeds of gang activity like Harvard and Yale law schools. They also take part in a chilling initiation ceremony in which they have to put their hand on a Bible and swear a bizarre oath of allegiance. We arrested one such deviant just last week.” Patel added that he would be directing FBI agents to round up an estimated 30,000 such deplorable individuals in the coming months.