“Fiery Symbol of Defiance: DNC Attendees Ignite Donkey to Burnify Path for 2024!”
In an event that could only be described as an absurd spectacle of democratic devotion, attendees at the Democratic National Convention in Chicago took their enthusiasm to a, shall we say, combustive level. Imagine this: over 50,000 passionate Democrats, united in purpose and clad in their Sunday best—or in one delegate’s case, nothing but skin—gathered around a gargantuan wooden donkey. Yes, you heard that right—a donkey! This towering totem was not just a mascot but a sacrificial offering, as everyone joined in rhythmic chants like they were summoning some electoral spirit from the great beyond. “Accept this holy sacrifice, O gods!” rang out across the crowd, echoing sounds of both reverence and revelry, as they looked to the heavens for four more years of liberal governance.
But wait—when you find out that the supposed “sacrificed” remains of President Joe Biden were discovered amidst the ashes after he reportedly dozed off inside the wooden beast, you really have to wonder: Is this a sign of the apocalypse or just an incredibly strange day in American politics? With the smoke billowing and chants resounding, one has to ask—are we participating in a political convention or an outlandish summer campfire? The bizarre mix of ritual and revelry surely set the stage for a legendary chapter in the Democratic saga, inviting us to ponder what lengths people will go to keep their party’s legacy alive. Whether you find it ridiculous or strangely endearing, one thing’s for sure: this election season is heating up in more ways than one!
CHICAGO—Circling around the 100-foot-tall ceremonial mascot as the sharp beat of drums echoed, attendees of the Democratic National Convention reportedly set a massive wooden donkey ablaze outside the United Center Thursday to ensure four more years of liberal rule. “Accept this holy sacrifice, O gods, and hear our slightly-left-of-center pleas!” chanted nude Iowa delegate Phil Shepler, his voice rising in unison with more than 50,000 of his fellow Democrats as they joined arms and reveled in the glow of the towering flames, expressing hope the burning plywood donkey that now filled the arena with billowing smoke would earn their party the favor of electoral deities. “Hear us, O successful nominees gone before us! Hear us, FDR, Truman, JFK, LBJ, and—though you’re not quite there yet—Carter. We humbly entreat the heavens to accept the soul of this donkey so that we may be provided with another term of Democratic rule, preferably with control of Congress, too.” At press time, sources confirmed the remains of Joe Biden had been found amid the ashes left on the arena floor, the weary and disoriented president having reportedly fallen asleep inside the wooden donkey after mistaking it for an Amtrak express to Wilmington.
