“From Minor Mishap to Death Sentence: The Shocking Case of a Man Who Bumped a Tesla While Parking”

In a world where parallel parking has turned into a high-stakes game of life and death, the recent verdict against Raymond Pratt is setting off some serious alarms. I mean, scratching a Tesla while trying to park? What’s next—a death sentence for spilling coffee on the seats? With Attorney General Pam Bondi labeling Pratt a “domestic terrorist” for his seemingly harmless fender bender, it’s safe to say that we’re living in a time where electric vehicles reign supreme, and the punishment for even the tiniest of dings is worth more than most people’s lives. Who knew that bumping a sleek, sophisticated Model 3 at 2 mph could unlock such a fierce legal debate? As this jaw-dropping story unfolds, one can’t help but wonder: are our parking habits now subject to the same scrutiny as national security? Buckle up, folks—this is one wild ride! <a href="https://theonion.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/ManWhoScratchedNIBIHA-GR-copy.jpg”>LEARN MORE.

WASHINGTON—Warning that even the slightest dent, knick, or scratch would henceforth be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law, Attorney General Pam Bondi announced Tuesday that Raymond Pratt, a 54-year-old resident of Chula Vista, CA who bumped a Tesla while parallel parking, had been sentenced to death. “Let me be clear: This man, who attempted to park on the street and damaged the rear bumper of a Model 3, is a domestic terrorist who deserves to die,” said Bondi, adding that the United States now had a zero tolerance policy against people like Pratt, who gently bumped a Tesla, exited his 2018 Hyundai Elantra to inspect the electric vehicle for any damage, and—though he found none—left a note apologizing to the owner just in case. “There is no world in which this man can walk free after plotting to parallel park so poorly that he tapped the sleek, sophisticated Tesla with his bumper while nudging forward at around 2 mph. The only way to deal with criminals like this is to end their lives. He gets what he deserves: the electric chair.” Bondi also announced that she would also seek the death penalty for Tesla owners who exchanged their cars, blacked out the Tesla logo, or purchased a bumper sticker that said “I bought this before Elon went crazy.”