Giants Locker Room Erupts After Shocking Discovery on Team Uniforms

Ever wonder what it feels like to wish you were invisible at work—while fifteen million people are watching you on live TV every week? I can’t help but giggle—and cringe a little—at the idea of football players stuffing their jerseys into their armpits, desperate to disguise their names. It’s like the ultimate walk of shame, only you’re jogging onto a giant, blindingly-lit field and your boss (oh and the entire nation) knows exactly who you are . The New York Giants, bless their hearts, have hit such a rough patch that players are actually petrified someone might associate them with the team’s record… Can you imagine realizing mid-hoodie tug that you could have just said you play for the Chiefs all along? Maybe next time, guys . Feeling a little schadenfreude? Or maybe just curious what happens when football meets witness protection program energy? LEARN MORE

ARLINGTON, TX—Panicking at the realization that their personal reputations had been directly tied to the team’s dismal performance in recent years, several members of the New York Giants were reportedly horrified to learn before Sunday’s game that their uniforms have their names on the back. “Wait…so the millions of people watching on national television can see who I am?” said wide receiver Malik Nabers, scrambling to pull a hoodie over his jersey so as not to have his name associated with a historically awful Giants team coming off a 3-14 season. “Oh God, this is a nightmare. I thought we were anonymous out there. Like, I told my family I play for the Chiefs. This is bad—really, really bad.” At press time, sources confirmed that multiple players were rushing to the equipment staff demanding blank jerseys with no names on the back.